Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
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Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
584.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
the composer
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.