People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
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Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
Guy who likes music
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it