Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
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Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
yes… yes…
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
Penguins walking in 5x speed
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.