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I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”