My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
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How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
Okay
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
this is the most humiliating day of my life
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice