grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
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no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
Finally
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants