[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
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If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic