The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
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We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.