Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
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So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.