When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
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Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
she has a point
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.