13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
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Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
Sooo many times…..
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
Good morning.
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
pat pat
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.