Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
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Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.