[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
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*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy