New comic up. “Ransom”
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“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.