I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
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A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
White Castle for the Win
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
The “baby” on the left….
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.