Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
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Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
It’s the weekend y’all
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game