“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
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You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
choose your gary
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.