Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
You Might Also Like
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
@_NTFG_’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
back to work
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
Stop it! 😂
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me: