[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
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Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
life finds a way
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage