No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
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You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
I can’t deal with men any longer
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
🤣🤣🤣
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.