Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
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Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
I’m so full I could puke a horse
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.