When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
You Might Also Like
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.