Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
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[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
When news reporters do sports stories