I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
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Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.