Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
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Make your daily standup meeting shorter
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.