Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
You Might Also Like
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
follow me for more life hacks
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot