9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
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When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
Try and stop me.
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?