I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
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Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
english majors be like furthermore
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.