Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
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“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
Comparing yourself to others
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.