When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
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“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
😅🤣😂
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum