son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
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My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”