Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
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No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.