I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
You Might Also Like
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
normalize having existential bread
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.