Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
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Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.