FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
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“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
next level snooze
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.