Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
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I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
a public service announcement
Match dot com, but for socks.
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired