I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
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i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today