I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
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My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
Cheers Twitter.
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist