Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
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no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.