Check out the legs on this baby
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Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy