Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
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Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.