Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
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COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
Nothing to do, you say?
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
who called it hell and not heaven’t
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
Lmao the reply
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?