I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
You Might Also Like
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
Modded the new Gran Turismo
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss