Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
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Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”