*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
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New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
Nomnomnomnom
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?