I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
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The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here