Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
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I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.