What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
You Might Also Like
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple