Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
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Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
Who called it baking and not making love
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
New tinder profile pic
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
Cake!!
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”