The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
You Might Also Like
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
Is this a threat?
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
We’ve come full circle
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.